


Make Me Feel Something

by winterfirehair



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Song-inspired, Suicidal Alex, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 08:31:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14184987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterfirehair/pseuds/winterfirehair
Summary: Alex just wants to feel something. Justin just wants to help. || Inspired by 'Paralyzed' (by NF).





	Make Me Feel Something

Justin isn't sure what exactly wakes him in the middle of the night. Maybe it's the sound of Alex' bed creaking as the blond boy moves, maybe it's his silent, careful footsteps as he goes for the door. Maybe it's the door opening and closing again.

Looking around, he needs a moment to orientate himself. He's lying on the floor next to Alex' bed, which is already more than Justin had expected from the blond. After all, they aren't exactly friends. And still, Alex lets him stay the night, even giving him food and a comfortable place to sleep.

Justin rubs the sleep from his eyes and looks at his phone. 2:56 a.m. He jawns. Alex probably just needs to pee, so he can just turn around and try to fall asleep again.

 

When Justin wakes up again, he's still alone. Groaning softly, he checks his phone again. 3:41 a.m.

"Alex?", he asks softly into the darkness, not sure if the blond maybe is there next to him after all. There is no answer. With a sigh, Justin gets up. Maybe Alex has fallen asleep on the toilet or some shit like that.

He's careful when he steps out of the boy's room, tries his best to be silent. He doesn't want to wake up Alex' father or his brother just because the blond' isn't able to get his ass into bed.

When he reaches the bathroom, he's about to simply open the door when he hears something. Pausing, he listens closer, blinking in surprise.

It sounds like someone is crying.

Knowing it has to be Alex, he opens the door without knocking. He's not exactly ready for what awaits him behind it.

Alex is sitting on the toilet seat, but his pajama pants are pulled up. He's staring at Justin with an expression of pure horror, frozen like a deer in the headlights, holding a razor blade in his trembling hand, stained with red.

Neither one of the boys says a word. Justin only stares at Alex, his gaze wandering from the razor blade to his arm. The alabaster skin has been torn open countless times, leaking crimson red. It's horrifying and weirdly beautiful at the same time.

Alex is trembling, tears still streaming down his pale cheeks. He's been caught. He doesn't know what to do. Everything just becomes too much. He can't breathe anymore. Before he knows, he's having a panic attack.

And then, Justin is there. Kneeling next to Alex as the boy slides to the ground, hyperventilating. Black dots are dancing in front of his eyes.

"Breathe, Alex. It's alright. It's alright. You're not alone, come on."

Justin is clearly panicking. He doesn't know how to handle Alex in this state. He doesn't know what to do with the bleeding, trembling boy who's gasping for air like he's a fish out of water. But he holds him, tries his best to calm him down.

"I'm here. Breathe. You're alright."

They both know it's a lie. Alex is far from being okay, but they both need this lie right now.

The blond even smiles, despite the fact he's shaking hard enough to make it difficult for Justin to continue holding him.

"Come on Alex...", Justin whispers, desperate to calm Alex down. He has horror written all over his face. He's never seen Alex like this, he's never seen anyone like this. It's scaring him.

 

When Alex is finally able to breathe normally again minutes later, Justin is close to crying himself, shaking harder than Alex at this point.

It takes them some more time to finally feel stable enough so Alex can pull away from Justin. He coughs awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable by the situation. "Thanks. Go back to bed, Justin."

Justin stares at him as if Alex had just grown a second head. "Are you crazy?"

"Is that a serious question?", Alex almost laughs, but there is no hint of real amusement in his voice.

Silence fills the room for a moment, then Alex stands up on visibly wobbly legs and puts the razor blade away.

"Why are you doing this?"

It's merely a whisper and Alex looks down at Justin in surprise. Then, his expression hardens. "Don't. Go back to bed and forget what happened. You haven't seen anything."

He turns away, but Justin scrambles to his feet and grabs Alex' wrist to display his wounded arm, the blood smeared and dried on the white skin. "Do you really think I can just pretend I haven't seen this? I know I'm an asshole but seriously man, you need help!"

Alex hisses and tries to pull away. "I don't need your help!"

"No.", Justin shakes his head with a sad smile, "you just don't want it."

The blond pulls away, not looking at the other teen. "Go the fuck to bed."

"I will."

With a sigh, Justin gently touches Alex' shoulder. "But only if you tell me why you're doing this."

He feels Alex' struggle. The blond doesn't have to talk for him to know he's torn between wanting to look strong and the need to talk to somebody. Eventually, Alex' pride looses the fight.

"Did you ever just feel... nothing?", the boy whispers softly, still not looking at Justin. He doesn't wait for an answer. "It's like you're numb. Like... all your feelings are just gone."

Looking down at the cuts on his arm, he feels the tears in his eyes once again. "I want to feel again. I don't want to be numb anymore."

He doesn't struggle when Justin suddenly wraps his arms around him, but it causes the tears to fall. There's nothing but this weird lump in his chest, even with this open display of affection. He just doesn't feel anything.

Justin doesn't say a word. He just holds Alex while then teen cries silently. After a while, he just takes a washing cloth, soaks it with warm water and starts to clean Alex' arm from blood. It opens the cuts again, but they don't bleed as much as before. He has to grit his teeth though when he sees how deep Alex has cut into his own flesh, but he doesn't say anything while he gets some disinfectant spray and an unused bandage from the cupboard underneath the sink. Alex doesn't even flinch when he disinfects his wounds, despite the fact it has to hurt a lot. Justin still tries his best to be careful when he bandages Alex' arm.

Alex just lets him. He simply doesn't care anymore at this point. Justin thought of him as a weak and pathetic loser before, now he has the proof that he's been right the whole time. It's only a matter of time now until the whole school knows that Alex Standall is going to be the next Hannah Baker at some point, the next one to kill himself just to get attention. That's probably what they'll be thinking. And Alex doesn't care. It's over anyways. He's so numb inside since he knows he is one of the reasons Hannah killed herself, he's not even able to hurt himself anymore. Why continue living if you don't feel anything?

Wiping away the tears, he almost gently pushes Justin away from himself. "Go to bed. I told you why, now leave me alone." His voice cracks.

Justin doesn't move. He's obviously struggling, wanting to go back into Alex' room and just forget about it, live his life without knowing how Alex feels and what he does to himself in the middle of the night. But he remembers all the times his mother left him alone. He doesn't want to do that to Alex.

"No.", he finally whispers, shaking his head. "I won't leave you alone Alex. I'm part of this now and I'm not going to let you alone if I have to be afraid your locker will be the next one where people lay down stupid flowers and cards."

Alex makes a sound that sounds like a mixture of a laugh and a grunt. "As if you care. As if anyone cares."

"I care, even if you don't want to hear that. And Jessica cares. And Zach cares, too. You're our fucking friend Alex, of course we care."

The blond doesn't answer. Justin is right, he doesn't want to hear it. He knows there are people who care, but he doesn't want to know. It's only holding him back from the final step.

"What can I do to help you, Alex?"

Justin steps closer, clearly on the verge of tears himself now. He's afraid. Afraid to lose this loser who's not a loser at all.

"Make me feel something."

Alex' whisper isn't much more than a breath; easy to miss, but in the silence of the night, Justin can hear him. He gently makes the smaller blond turn around, taking his chin between his thumb and index finger to make Alex look up at him.

His eyes are rimmed red from crying, making his blue irises stand out even more than usual. Justin found himself thinking that Alex' eyes were pretty before, but now he sees the real beauty that is Alex Standall. Broken, but beautiful.

Just for a moment, they forget that they're barely friends. Right now, they're two broken young boys holding onto each other in their own small world. It's not weird when Justin leans forward to brush his lips against Alex', it feels absolutely right.

Alex grips the taller teen's shirt tightly, his eyes closed as he leans into the kiss, a small whimper dying in the back of his throat. Justin holds him close, careful, as if he's afraid he could break the blond.

It's a sweet kiss. Innocent. It's everything they are not.

When they finally part, something has changed. It's not some miraculous cure, for none of them, but they both feel a little less lonely, a little less lost. They are still drowning, but now they're clinging onto each other - either going to survive or go down together.

 

Justin spends the rest of the night in Alex' bed, holding the smaller blond close. He can't sleep anymore, so he just watches over Alex, who is curled up in fetal position next to him, his back pressed against Justin's chest. The white bandage around his arm seems to glow in the dark.

He knows how often he has made wrong decisions in his past. How many people he has lost, Jessica and Hannah only the most recent ones. This time, he wants to make the right decision for once. He won't let Alex become a second Hannah. He won't lose him, too.


End file.
